literature

On the bus, I saw

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Demosthenes-H's avatar
Published:
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Literature Text

you, across from                                  me
exercising your
'right' to be a                                stranger-

our personalities
              & public transport are
                                on uneven terms, so

we start a game
             of darts;

you throw me your eyes, only
                       to have them thrown back

it's called 'bullseye'
                       because this dance-

                                        of near misses
                                       & stolen glance

makes us guilty of
             red in shared blushes
                             (& horns in my pants)

stranger, there will come a time
             you arrest me-
              for revoking

your 'right'
         to remain strange

& your permit to
                     bulldoze my heart.
Uncapitalised words and gross romance are intentional.

This poem was written during some intense eye intercourse with a perfect stranger on the bus. (By the time I had looked up from writing, she had gone.)
© 2013 - 2024 Demosthenes-H
Comments36
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prettyflour's avatar
Hey there!

Prettyflour her on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique you requested.

Wow, I just love the words in this poem- simple and direct and deep in meaning.

In terms of constructive criticism, I do question the structuring in the beginning of the poem. For me, the flow was…off. I found myself wishing that the structuring was a bit simpler. Having said that, I do think the structuring works well later on. And I love the way you ended it- it had great impact!

I hope this was helpful! Thanks and have a great night!