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February 5, 2013
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 I kiss infinity
Her lips are full
        Of empty

                  They're not chains
                   Or pitied shelter
                     For lost angels

                                           The stars
                                        Are our song
                                          Swept away
A view of the stars in unpolluted light inspired me to write this.

You should try looking up sometimes.
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:iconpalesile:
palesile Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
And thennnn suddenly insufficient.

Lol the second you said "us poets," I was like well yip-dee-do let's check out this mutha. Little did I know what I'd find, you spectacular thing you. Considering that the night sky is one of my favorite things in the universe, this touched my heart because it feels exactly like what I've always wished I could explain it as. Took my breath away.

'falls on floor'
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student Writer
Insufficient? pffft. 'waves hand dismissively' I fell in love with you a few poems ago, lets not undersell yourself ;)

And the night sky is arguably the most romantic thing ever. Call me a giant vagina all you want, but I fall in awe of the universe when I see it through stained glass right above me.

Need some help up? ;) lawl
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:iconpalesile:
palesile Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I do, I do haha

It doesn't make you a giant vagina! You see it the way it's supposed to be seen. It's a special ability, you know, not everyone has it. ;P
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Student Writer
... I feel thoroughly 'special', trust me haha ;)

You've got it as well I'd say ...

YOU JUST GOTTA BELIEVE 'throws arms in the air'
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:iconpalesile:
palesile Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
PRAISE THE LORD HALLELUJAH
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Student Writer
You know, this happens to me more often than what would be considered normal.

I should have been a preacher.

So how long have you been writing for? :D
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:iconpalesile:
palesile Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hahaha can't tell if that's a good thing or just so unfortunate..

I've been writing since I learned how to write. I dint want to sound like I'm trying to brag but its just always something I was really good at. I remember in fourth grade my teacher liked to have us write stories quite a bit (not just about our day but stories with creative prompts)... I enjoyed it so much. I was always one of the best. And if I wasn't, it fueled me to be better. It stuck with me for all the years I've been alive. I love it a lot.

What about you, sir?
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2013  Student Writer
I got told when I was roughly 10ish that I looked like Lord Byron. I googled him, found that he was not only a poet; but women wanted his babies because of the fact he wrote poetry.

I have been writing ever since. rofl. ;D

Obviously my work resembles something of a beat poet now, but the romantic influences are still there. And now I write and read poetry for the sake of writing and reading it, rather than to impress 10 year old girls.
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(1 Reply)
:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there,

Prettyflour here on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition: with the critique that you requested!

What a beautiful poem! I continue to be a fan a short poetry- just a few words that say a lot.

This poem has lots going for it. The way you've structured it gives it a very visual appeal. The way the words shifts to the right lends a sense of progression without even having to read it. The words themselves are simple and beautiful- you're imagery is lovely!

And I love your inspiration! Not long ago I moved out to the country and light pollution is almost nonexistent around here. I'll never forget how my daughter noticed the difference of the sky/stars. She was fascinated by how bright the stars are... so I find this poem so incredibly relatable.

So nicely done. Great work!
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student Writer
<3 thank you for your kind kind words

You're going to have to scrape me off the floor, you've flattered me into a pancake with this critique ;D
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:iconwingz69:
WiNGz69 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2013  Student Writer
You know I love this poem ;).
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student Writer
And you know I love like 409857237 of your poems
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:iconwingz69:
WiNGz69 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student Writer
haha cool beans. Like you said, writers stick together.
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2013  Student Writer
I said that? Damn, that's some inspiring shit.
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:iconwingz69:
WiNGz69 Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Student Writer
That poem was some inspiring shit. Good job man.
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013  Student Writer
writer love <3
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
My critique on behalf of #PoeticalCondition

I like this work, and admittedly, you've done a good job with the gradients (i.e. moving each subsequent stanza forward from the previous one). Each stanza can be taken independently and can be viewed with an openness of thought.

My only qualm is "empty" in the first stanza. It should be emptiness or hollow or darkness. In my opinion, infinity is as far as the endlessness of its existence allows - so empty here would mean that it has some proportions in it.

That's more or less what I would like to say. Cheers. :)
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Student Writer
Muchly appreciate the critique my good man-

*twiddles moustache* mmm I shall have to reconsider "empty" over a glass of fine cognac and a cigar.

I wish you a very good day, chap. *tips hat*
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Feb 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
*nods in a graceful snobbish way* as you find suitable, my fellow writer comrade.
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:iconthelunardragon:
TheLunarDragon Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hello again, Critique on behalf of :iconpoeticalcondition:

Admittedly I always get a tad bit giddy when I come across one of your pieces while I am working on Critiques. This piece lived up to my expectations of your work brilliantly. The metaphor of stars being a beautiful mistress... each stanza a deepened metaphor of the nebula. I have no words to critique this with. I am beginning to wonder if you put your work in the Critique folder for a legitimate Critique or if you just want your ego stroked ;)

Either way, your pieces never fail to enchant the reader. You should be submitting these into legitimate prize winning contests. They are good enough in my opinion.
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 15, 2013  Student Writer
Hahah I thank you for stroking my ego, however the reason why I submit my pieces to critique folders is so I can learn where I can improve on (even if everyone is telling me it's a great piece, then I know what to replicate)

Good enough for prize winning? Oh you flatter me sir.

I thank you dearly for your ... I wouldn't call it so much a critique as a lot of complimenting haha (by the way you've only reviewed one of my other poems I thought, the watchman I think?)

Have a great day :D
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:iconthelunardragon:
TheLunarDragon Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I have read more than that though ;)

You have a great day also!
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Student Writer
You've read more than that? I'm charmed

By the way what competitions would you suggest I enter (considering I have never bothered entering one on dA, which are the most reputable?)
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:iconthelunardragon:
TheLunarDragon Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
To be quite honest, I do not know. Perhaps try asking the group founder. I have never felt my poems were good enough to even bother looking for a contest to enter. :P

Wish I could help more, sorry!
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Student Writer
Haha see I feel the exact same way about my own poetry in honesty. And I'm sure your poetry has its own merits. Every poem (however substandard) is a good poem (considering poetry is a dying culture).

Ah; it matters little. Thank you for your feedback :)
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:iconthelunardragon:
TheLunarDragon Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, not all of us can be Edgar Allen Poe, or Sylvia Plath, especially the whole being dead part, as well as the mentally unstable part. :P

Anytime!
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2013  Student Writer
Well ol' Edgar was on the sauce 24/7 and was in love with dead aunties.

It's the perfect formula for amazing poetry.
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(1 Reply)
:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hello, I'm here on behalf of #The-Writers-Study. You submitted this piece to the critique folder, so I am here to give you your critique.

There's not much I can say about this piece except for that it is truly impressive. Through simple vocabulary, you have managed to create intense alligories and vivid images. The lips of infinity are not chains or shelter. I like the way you've managed to express the meaning of infinity. Infinity can't bound you, can't limit you, but it cannot comfort you either. And that's a wonderful way of putting it. The structure is neat, but I think the last line is not needed. If it was a line with more impact, then it would be acceptable. But this line has nothing to say. The stars come out during night-time. There's no reason for you to mention it. :)

Other than that, this is a very nice poem. Good job, keep it up!
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Student Writer
The last line was more of an affirmation to myself more than anything haha. Don't worry it will be gone soon.

And I am pleased you understood my allegories <3 I really appreciate this feedback, I was feeling guilty of using simplistic language.

Thank you and have a great day ;D
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:iconladyofsilver:
LadyOfSilver Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome!
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:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I don't think you need the last line. The poem would work without it me thinks.

Structure is a nice touch and your first stanza is very compelling.
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks! ;D Yeah definitely going to put this poem under the pen.
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:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No worries. Hope you find your way through it.
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:iconmichel-le-fou:
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Professional Writer
WOW! Infinity is a girl with kissable lips! That is really a cool metaphor.
My critique at #PoeticalCondition:
Short and concise is frequently the choice nowadays, but this tells it all. I often look up and see both stars and a golden moon, and nobody else does. My personal pleasure. The metaphor of stars and a song is far out but I would like to see you develop that. Up to you.
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:icondemosthenes-h:
Demosthenes-H Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Student Writer
Haha thank you for your critique- I really hope you enjoyed my piece :)

I aim for brevity- if not vivid imagery. I occasionally make longer pieces but I'm a tad loose with larger things.

Hmmm I agree with you on extending the song metaphor- it needs a bit more meat-

I also felt it ends a tad abruptly, or maybe that might be just me?

Thank you for the feedback; it always helps me improve! You have done a godly service.
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:iconmichel-le-fou:
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Professional Writer
Hallelujah! That is surely good news.

Do develop a bit, a few extra lines will be enough.
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